No more living for the weekend

So this post is about getting stuck in a rut and then trying to stay out of one.

There was a period early in my career where the novelty of work had worn off and I found myself unhappy and dissatisfied but instead of working towards pinpointing the source of the problems and finding a solution, I found various ways to forget about them. This actually made things worse. I found myself catching up on tv shows and finding new ones in an effort to forget about the current day and avoid thinking about the upcoming workday. I can't remember when I snapped out of the "waiting for the weekend" mode of thinking but I do believe I gradually convinced myself that the problem couldn't be that bad and that a solution was possible.

There are a lot of good themes to focus on in David Foster Wallace's commencement speech (link is here) but I found his ideas about choosing to be present and his acknowledgement of how hard that can be to be

Take his description of visiting the grocery store (14th St Union Sq. Trader Joes anyone?)

The point is that petty, frustrating crap like this is exactly where the work of choosing comes in. Because the traffic jams and crowded aisles and long checkout lines give me time to think, and if I don't make a conscious decision about how to think and what to pay attention to, I'm going to be pissed and miserable every time I have to food-shop, because my natural default-setting is the certainty that situations like this are really all about me, about my hungriness and my fatigue and my desire to just get home, and it's going to seem, for all the world, like everybody else is just in my way, and who are all these people in my way? And look at how repulsive most of them are and how stupid and cow-like and dead-eyed and nonhuman they seem here in the checkout line, or at how annoying and rude it is that people are talking loudly on cell phones in the middle of the line, and look at how deeply unfair this is: I've worked really hard all day and I'm starved and tired and I can't even get home to eat and unwind because of all these stupid g-d-people.

When stuck on a crowded, slow-moving train, or in a long grocery line, you have no control over anything but your own thoughts (if that). How we think and react to the mundane and irritating aspects of our lives can be as important as the "big" moments because most of us will inevitably have more days that are considered mundane than exciting. I don't allow myself to mentally check out anymore (at least not for more than a day) but I think the next excerpt captures what I'm trying to say :

The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default-setting, the "rat race" -- the constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing.

I think he is right...and it isn't easy but it is worth it to "stay conscious".